Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
