chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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