He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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