First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
