Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
They took my balls.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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