HIV tests are more positive than that guy
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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