She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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