found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
