Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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