My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
