Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
