Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
