Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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