Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
