god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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