A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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