I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
