I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
