I must be too annoying 4 u.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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