She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
