My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's rum buckets o'clock
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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