after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i think i just lost a toe
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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