What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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