I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
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Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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