I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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