I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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