All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
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Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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