I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My balls are so social today.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
