i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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