So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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