i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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