I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
