Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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