You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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