my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
