Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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