he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
