my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Drunk is a universal language darling
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