In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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