You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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