dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
