I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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