He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
