so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
