I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
