did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
