I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
