Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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