I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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