I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just invented taco cereal.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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