I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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