I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
