So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
