Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
