best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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