I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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