yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I showed him my bush... on skype.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
