"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
